Santa Claus is tapping Your phone!

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveys you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So, you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone!

Ho! Ho! Ho! And Jingle Bells

Ho! Ho! Ho! and Jingle Bells,
What's all the fuss about?
The rich food and the drinkies,
Only inflame my bloody gout.

My credit card has almost melted,
From persistent overuse,
And my liver is near failure,
From pre-Christmas Party abuse.

My blood sugars are elevated,
And my blood pressure is sky high,
I was feeling really well before lunch,
But now I think I'm going to die!

Nobody liked the presents that I bought,
And the family is at war,
So much for Christmas Spirit,
And that's all I asked Santa for,

Now no-one is talking to me,
While I lie here exiled in the Sun,
With my belt unbuckled and my gut exposed,
Thanking God that this Christmas is done.

Christmas!

I've been getting ready for Christmas
I'm revving up for the great day
my credit card's cracked and my freezer is packed
'cause I started my shopping in May

The mistletoe's hanging in bunches
'cause the odd Christmas kiss isn't wrong
and the Vicar I've found - quite likes calling round
and exploring my crowns with his tongue

The bin men have gotten quite friendly
they're after a present I fear
they won't feel so chuffed when I tell them - get stuffed
'cause they don't speak the rest of the year

The family is coming for dinner
last year it was quite a good laugh
we ate fairly late - dished the veg on the plate
found the turkey was still in the bath

the Kids are all pink with excitement
'cause Santa will come so they say
their lists are extensive - extremely expensive
and they'll break it all by Boxing day

But it's worth all that fuss Christmas morning
when their little eyes are all aglow
when we're all feeling merry full of goodwill and sherry
and suffering from wind Ho Ho Ho

But please don't forget why we do it
why each year we must go to this fuss
for that guy up above who brought peace and brought love
and who probably owns Toys R Us

A Letter to Rudolph

Dear Husband, It is time that I must have my say,
I've taken your shit day after day.
I've kept the home peaceful year after year
Now there is going to be changes, so listen my dear.

So you're famous, everyone knows your name,
And you're a specialist by gum, in the transport game,
You think you're so grand with your important job.
But I'm telling you my dear you're a worn out old yob

363 days a year,
You sit on your arse drinking scotch, rum and beer,
You claim it is to keep up the shine on your nose
So Santa can see where he blooming well goes.

One night a year is all that you work,
You and your eight reisty mates - they're all jerks.
Dasher and Dancer - Speed freaks I say,
The sleigh wouldn't go that quick any other way.
Prancer and Vixen - Just cheap little tarts,
But they look like angels once Comet starts.

Cupids on some freaked out damned power trip,
And Donner...well, she should just get a damned grip
And Blitzen, I almost don't need to say,
Is here getting blitzed with you every day.

All of these years at the front of the sled,
Has gone, I'm afraid, to your crusty old head.
You're a layabout and a drunkard, with a big shiny nose,
And a weakness for elves in black pantyhose.

I'm telling you husband that one Christmas song,
Has made you think that you can do no wrong.
So this year while your out with old Santa's sled,
I am eloping, my dear, with your friend - Mr. Ed

THE TWELVE DAYS AFTER CHRISTMAS

 

The first day after Christmas

My true love and I had a fight

And so I chopped the pear tree down

And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge

I shot that blasted partridge

My love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas

I pulled on the old rubber gloves

And very gently wrung the necks

Of both the turtle doves

My love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas

My mother caught the croup

I had to use the three French hens

To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake

For their language was obscene

The five golden rings were completely fake

and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas

The six laying geese wouldn't lay

So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the

R.S.P.C.A.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found

The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned

My love gave to me.

The eighth day after Christmas

Before they could suspect

I bundled up the

Eight maids-a-milking

Nine ladies dancing

Ten lords-a-leaping

Eleven pipers piping

Twelve drummers drumming - well, actually I kept one of the drummers -

And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love

"We are through, love!"

And I said in so many words

"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"

Four calling birds,

Three french hens,

Two turtle doves

And a partridge in a pear tree!"

Joyce Grenfell, The Nativity

Hello, Mrs Binton. I'm so glad you could get along to see a rehearsal of our Nativity Play! Can you squeeze in there? I'm afraid our chairs are a wee bitty wee, as they say north of the border!
Now then, children. We are going to start our rehearsal. Where are my Mary and Joseph?
That's right, Shirleen, take Denis by the hand and come and sit nice and quietly on this bench in the middle.
Don't drag him. He'll come if you leave him alone!
Don't hit each other, Mary and Joseph were friends
Now, who are my Wise Men?
You're a Wise Man, aren't you, Geoffrey?
Oh, aren't you? What are you then?
Oh, you're a cattle, are you? And you are going to low. Splendid! Go over to Miss Boulting, will you, please?
Miss Boulting... You are organising the animals and the angets? He is one of yours.
Now, my Wise Men here, please!
Billy, Peter and George.
And George, Wise Men never do that...
Now my Kings, please.
Of course, Mrs Binton, we know that by tradition the Wise Men and the Kings are one and the same, but we did want everyone in our Nursery School Nativity Play to have a chance, so we have taken a few liberties, and I don't think any one will mind,
Now Kings: Sidney, Neville, Cliff and Nikolas Anoniodes.
Four Kings, I'm afraid. We happen to have four lovely crowns, so it seemed a pity not to use them.
Sidney, put your crown on straight please, not over one eye. What have you got under your jersey?
That's not the place for a hamster, is it. Put him straight back in his little pen, please.
Sidney, which one have you got, Paddington or Harold Wilson?
Well, who's got Paddington?
Neville, put him back at once.
Poor Paddington and Harold Wilson, it isn't very Christmassy for them under your jersey.
Sidney, I think it serves you right if Harold Wilson bit you, and don't bite him back.
Because he's smaller than you are. Are you bleeding?
Then don't make such a fuss.
Cliff, put your crown on, please.
It's too big? Let's see. Ah, yes it is
Where are you! Oh, there you are! Nice to see you again! Change with Nikolas.
Nikolas, you can manage a big crown, can't you? You've got just the ears for it.
I think if you pull your ears down a bit that will hold it up. And lean back a bit. That's it.
Stay like that, dear. Don't move.
Wise Men and Kings, don't muddle yourselves with each other.
Now then, Shepherds.
Jimmy, you are my First Shepherd and not a racing car.
Yes, Caroline, you're a shepherd.
No, dear you can't wear your Little Bo-Peep costume because there aren't any little girl shepherdesses in our play. They're all boy shepherds, and you are a girl being a boy shepherd.
Yes, it is rotten. But we just have to settle for it. I think if you are very good perhaps you can wear a lovely grey beard; wouldn't that be fun?
George, what do Wise Men never do?
Yes...
Jimmy, do you remember what you see up in the sky? Something lovely, isn't it?
No, not a baby. Try again.
It's a lovely silver star, and you are going to put your hand up and point to it. And what are you going to say when you do that?
No, Sidney, he isn't going to say, 'Please may I go to the bathroom?'
Children, that isn't funny; it's a perfectly natural function, and we might as well get used to it.
Come on, Jimmy. You are going to say, 'Behold!' aren't you?
Yes, you are, dear. You said it yesterday.
You'd rather say it tomorrow?
Perhaps you are right.
We have broken the back of the play, so you may as well get ready to go home. Hand in your crowns gently, please. No Sidney, you can't wear your crown home on the bus.
I think - I HOPE it will be all right on the night. But you know, Mrs Binton, I think perhaps next year we might make do with a Christmas carol.

THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That

sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what

an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and

thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily.

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,

The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing

away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily.

Dec 27

My darling Edward,

You do think of the most original presents! Who ever

thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they

really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have

no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway,

thank you so much; they're lovely.

Your devoted Emily.

Dec 28

Dearest Edward,

What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning.

They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly -

they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll

calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm

very grateful, of course I am.

Love from Emily.

Dec 29

Dearest Edward,

The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold

rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly!

A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds,

which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that

arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm

afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says

she wants to use the rings to "wring" their necks. Mother

has such a sense of humour. This time she's only joking,

I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily.

Dec 30

Dear Edward,

Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door

this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese

laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped

that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room

for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn.

I know you meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?

Love,

Emily.

Dec 31

Edward,

I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke

up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get

into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what's

happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be

full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind

them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily.

Jan 1

Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight?

milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke?

If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.

Emily.

Jan 2

Look here, Edward,

This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me

nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the

way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village

just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless

viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting

round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame.

If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less),

kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once!

Emily.

Jan 3

As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are

prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden,

before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it.

And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking

inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the

neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never

speak to you again.

Emily.

Jan 4

This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes!

The place has now become something between a menagerie

and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just

declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has

been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday

afternoon in an ambulance.

00 I hope you're satisfied.

Jan 5

Sir,

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to

inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30

this morning of the entire percussion section of the

Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends,

she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction

to prevent you importuning her further. I am making

arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

G. Creep

Attorney at law.

The final visit from Saint Nick

‘Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where The Saturday sang "Silent Night" quite badly;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his presence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our Doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of despair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Norman Baker dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my building insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a' no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an business tax audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say,' Santa's retired!'".

Now there’s a thing!

With the festive season looming menacingly on the horizon, I have a plan to post some vaguely Yule based stuff. I don’t doubt that a fair amount will be nicked from the Interweb but with luck it will bring a smile to my loyal reader. In the mean time you’ll have to settle for my usual drivel.

I was at the shop on Saturday, I played a young lad who certainly had a good understanding of the rules, but his tactics were a little lacking. Although he gave me a tough game, Space Marines v Necrons, I managed to secure a victory, only just mind. I’m sure that with a little direction he will get a grasp of playing to win, after all that is why we play the game, although we try to have fun on the way to victory. I honestly do believe that playing a game where both players enjoy the time is much better that gloating every time a squad is removed from play. I make a point of congratulating any opponent when they pull a kill point out of the bag, no matter how lucky they are. I feel that if the person I play against hasn’t had a good time playing then I’m doing things wrong, especially for the younger players.

When I got home on Saturday I came back to a very excited Trudes, she was desperate to get the Christmas tree up and decorated, well the tree was already up and with the help of a friend; it wasn’t long before the front room was looking very festive, huzzah.

Sunday was a quiet day; my sister paid a visit, oh joy! Don’t get me wrong, I think the world of my sister, but she does have a terrible habit of regaling Trudes with tales of my youth, most of which are somewhat embarrassing. Sandra left to see other relatives and Trudes and I settled in for a quiet day. I was surprised to get a call from my father, he rings about once a year and it’s nice to hear from him. He lives just south of Boston in the US and I hope to be able to visit him in the future. It would make for an interesting visit as he has children, which means I have two half brothers and a half sister. Apparently one of my brothers is very much like me with a similar sense of humour and a liking for all thing sci-fi. Who knows there may come a time when I get to meet them.

Back to work today, we drew the secret Santa, there’s a spend limit of £10, unfortunately I have drawn one of the more difficult choices for buying a gift, what do you buy the bloke who has everything he needs plus almost everything anyone else might need too? Although I’m sure I’ll come up with something.

My first festive post will be on the first of December, duh! There may be a post between now and then, watch this space.

Bye for now.

Musing, pondering and paint

Today is not a good day, I returned to work after a week off which wasn’t too bad, I felt a bit out of sorts, almost like I didn’t belong, it seemed that there was something else I should be doing. I took the week off so that I could help Trudes rest and be there for her whilst she concentrated on recovering after another chemo course. She has been told that no matter what the result is after this treatment, she won’t be able to have anymore, so now we hope for the best. Trudes hasn’t been overly clear about what happens next but I’m sure she will tell me when she’s ready, there’s also the possibility that she doesn’t know herself yet, in which case she’ll tell me when she does know.

It wasn’t until later in the day that I realised what had been playing on my mind and putting me out of sorts. Today, 22/11/10, is my daughters 23^rd birthday. I was shocked when I realised, I haven’t seen TJ since she was six and the last I heard she was living with her mother somewhere in Northshire around the Preston area. Every now and then I search for her on face book, although I think finding her will prove very difficult as all I have to go on are two possible surnames and both of those produce several thousand results. So as you can imagine trawling through all those names would take some time, especially when I give it another shot I have to start right at the beginning of the list. I also have to consider the possibility that she could be using a name I don’t know or even married. If the married thing has happened there’s every chance that I could have grandchildren, oh lord now I feel old! To be honest, there’s not a day passes by when I don’t think of her and wonder what she’s doing or where she is. I also wonder how much she knows about me, does she even know who her real father is? The only thing I can be sure of is that if I ever get the chance to meet her, I would welcome her with open arms.

On to lighter things, well for me at least, I painted tonight, I have to say I’m very pleased with the result, I’ll put some pics up somewhere for those that like to see what I do. Yet again I’m having a whinge about the amount of models I have that need painting, I find the activity very relaxing and I enjoy the painting side of the hobby much more than playing the game, although I did play on Saturday and won using the Space Marines for the first time in a while. I know that most of the people who read this particular blog have no idea what Warhammer 40k is about, but some have a rough idea. I have a dedicated 40k blog that the more boring stuff gets written about on, but every now and then I have such a nice time painting and get such a sense of achievement from it that I feel I have to mention it here, plus it gives my followers something to read. One day I shall do a stage by stage painting guide for the Warhammer blog, something else that I’ve been meaning to do for a while now.

Changing subject again, its astronomy club this Friday, with luck I’ll get to take the Meade along and get some advice on how to use the thing properly, particularly setting it up. The weather hasn’t been very favourable for astronomy; in fact we’ve had one clear night over the last two weeks. We had a close call on Friday, but by the time I was ready to go out into the garden the cloud had rolled in. Still the good thing about bad weather is that it washes fossils out of the clay at the Warren so I could always head down there for a few hours. I’m sure the dogs would love a stroll along the beach and the sea air might do Trudes some good.

Right, I’m off to take Ronnii out for her last stroll, Richie had his earlier, and then off to bed. Sweet dreams one and all.

If by some slim chance of fate a certain young lady who just turned 23 ever reads this, I want you to know that I love you and I have missed you every single day since we last saw each other, good night my sweet little lass.

I’m big, you’re little, I’m right, you’re wrong!

I spend a lot of my weekends supervising a gaming group in a shop in Hythe, the owner of the shop is one of my very good friends, she’s been an ear for me when I’ve had to vent. The lads who come to the shop to play on Saturdays are a good bunch, so they may break stuff now and then but it only takes a minute or two to fix it. The shop itself is a toy shop, the stock ranges from the usual array of card games, jigsaw puzzles and board games through to action figures from the Doctor Who, Star Wars, Harry Potter and Transformers range, you can also find the latest Merlin releases there. Then we have the hobby range from good old Airfix through to model train sets and, of course, the Games Workshop range, finally there’s an extensive range of baby clothes and toys. The atmosphere is always welcoming and although Saturdays can be a bit loud the lads are never rude or offensive, over the last three years Sue and I have worked hard to build the gaming days up to the point where we were able to hold an independent gaming tournament, something that GW claim simply can’t be done. It was a roaring success and there is a chance that we may do the same next year.

Hythe High Street has an interesting array of retailers that all manner of quirky little things that make you wonder what use the thing is, but you buy one anyway. There is a good range of places to grab some nosh, the Torbay fish and chip shop is probably one of the best in the area, and if you so desired you could get a week’s grocery shopping, except parking’s not so good but there’s always Waitrose and Aldi has a pay and display.

There is now a dark cloud looming over the future of the High Street in the shape of a Sainsburys supermarket, set to open in early 2011 it will offer almost everything that the high street traders do, this will result in the eventual closing of shops such as the green grocers, the butchers, a couple of newsagents and a few of the cafes. The top dogs from the chain have come up with some plans which they claim will help encourage people into the high street such as getting traders to agree to offer a discount to any customers that have shopped in the supermarket. The chain have also offered to improve lighting along the High Street, to be honest that won’t help the traders at all, when the street lights are on, most of the shops are closed except for about half an hour in the winter. They have also offered free advertising to shop owners, of course they have to write out the details of the advert themselves, and then stick it on the ad board. One of the traders I know has already written his ad, it says “Closing down sale due to Sainsburys putting me out of business!”

Once the shop is up and running, who in their right mind is going to do their shopping and then take a walk along a high street, full of empty shops, whilst their frozen food thaws in the boot of the car. The alternative is to visit the high street before doing your shopping, yeah that’ll work, park the car and think to yourself do I wander along a road that has very few shops or shall I go into the supermarket, grab a quick cuppa and some nosh and then do my shopping and naff off home? The Hythe town councils response was that they would expect people to visit the high street before shopping, in the same way I expect people to start being a bit nicer? Bear in mind these are the same town councillor that do their shopping in Tesco and Asda, neither of which are in Hythe. Of course the day will come when they say things like “we don’t understand why so many traders have closed” and “we had no idea that this would happen!” they did have some idea of the nice little pay off they received for selling the land to a multi million pound organisation that already plans to go against certain aspect of the planning permission. The shop was supposed to be open between 8am and 8pm, but potential staff have been told that it will close at 10pm and the staff will work until midnight, that explains the need for extra lighting on the high street, so that the staff can walk home safely at night.

Does every town need a huge supermarket? Hythe already has two, plus an Iceland, so a third is overkill, there’s a large Asda 6 miles away a large Tesco and two large Sainsbury stores plus a Morrisons, anyone with half a brain can see what this store will do to an already struggling group of traders, every Saturday I hear of another shop closing because of lack of trade, it won’t be long before my friend loses her business. Eventually Hythe will be a dead town, not only will the traders suffer, but home owners may not benefit too well from this either, unless having a supermarket opposite your home could increase the value of your house. The council will wonder where their revenue has gone because no one’s paying any business rates and they’ll have to increase the council tax to compensate for the loss all because they allowed themselves to be paid off so that a supermarket, that no one seems to have wanted, could be built. It’s nice to see the big wigs looking after the community.

Bye for now.

K

How far into the darkside are you?

There is a word in the English language that can cut deeper than any knife; it can cause a wound that will never fully heal. We use it daily in reference to such trivial things like soup, cabbage and washing up. It’s a small word, four letters long and yet it can reduce the strongest of men to tears. It can break hearts and smash the resolve of anyone who it is used against. Personally I try very hard to avoid using this particular word against a person as I have been on the receiving end of it too many times, so I know firsthand how much it can hurt. If you haven’t figured it out yet, the word is “hate”. To be honest, I don’t think I actually hate a single person, I’m not keen on soup, I can take or leave cabbage and I avoid washing up whenever I can, but I do it if I have to. I dislike a few people, my bank manager, the tax man and the illness that is slowly destroying the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. Do I hate a living breathing person? I think I can be truthful in saying that I do not. There have been times when I’ve thought that I do but I realised that what I really feel is anger at the person(s) who have wronged me. I honestly believe that there’s enough hate in the world without me adding to it. I guess what I really want to know is, why do we hate? Is it because the person we hate has exposed a weakness within us? Or perhaps it’s because we feel wronged in some way. Is revenge the same as hate? The two certainly come as a pair, hate is probably one of the stronger human emotions, and it can also be one of the most expressive. We show hate easier than we show love or care, it’s destructive and, to me, more than a little bit pointless.

A very close friend recently asked me if I hated him, my response was to look him straight in the eye and respond “NO! In fact I don’t think there’s anything you could do that would make me hate you!” I don’t doubt that I have the capacity to hate within me, I am human after all. What I don’t know as yet is what it would take to release such negativity. To be honest I hope I never have cause to discover what it will take.

Wow, that was deep!

I have nothing else to say so I leave you to contemplate the three things that society should be built on, peace, love and good strong cheddar.

Walk tall, carry a big stick

It’s actually been quite an uneventful week, work has been good and I hope it stays that way.

Ronnii has settled in very well, she’s snuggled up beside me as I type, bless her! Richie has taken the whole situation well too, he comes looking for her in the morning to lead her to the garden and she lets him think he has the alpha male status by letting take the lead role when they go for a stroll.

I managed to get hold of a 3x Barlow lens for the Meade, after trawling the web in search of one and ordering one online, only to be informed that the online store I tried to get one from doesn’t actually stack Meade accessories, that being the case why the heck do they advertise them on the site? I finally tracked one down to a small shop in Hythe which although they no longer stack Meade stuff they had one or two items left, one of which was the part I wanted. Huzzah!

Unfortunately the weather’s not been very accommodating and since I acquired the part I haven’t had a single clear night. Insert expletive here! Never mind though, it’s not as if the universe is going anywhere.

I’m off to the shop tomorrow; I’m hoping that Smiffy will drop in so that we can arrange a painting evening or, perhaps, a gaming session. Hopefully we’ll be able to arrange it for when I have some leave so as then I won’t have to worry about an early night. Apparently he’s got some new models that will make excellent cannon fodder.

Sunday should, with luck, be a quiet day and I can catch up on stuff that I’ve recorded over the last couple of days, I’m going to try getting up early and letting Tea have a lie in, she starts yet another course of chemo on Monday so I want to make sure that her day is as restful as possible, best laid plans and all that.

I had the good fortune to spend a few hours in the company of some good friends on Tuesday night, it was nice to catch up and enjoy a spot of good old fashioned trek, well DS9!

I wonder if any of my readers watched any of the paranormal program that was broadcast on living TV over the Halloween weekend. I never thought I’d say this but Most Haunted was gripping stuff in comparison. I forced myself to sit through an hour in the hope that something interesting would happen but no. If it gets another run, I shall avoid it. I would still very much like to be involved in some form of serious paranormal investigation, I’m sure I could do a better job than the so called experts that were involved in the weekends trite.

Well I’m done for the night, up early to head down to Hythe so I shall leave you to ponder these words.

ALMANAC, CHEESE, EFFERVESCENT and BUNGALOW

Nite.

I have discovered the location of hell!

It’s in the middle of Folkestone town centre, just south of the bus station. I’ll explain more in a bit, that’ll keep you reading to the end!

I was up early this morning, Richie had to go see the vet so we were out of the house at half eight. we got the bus down, bless the pup, he doesn’t like travelling although he wasn’t too bad, he started complaining quite loudly when we stopped for a couple of minutes at Waitrose in Hythe. We were a bit early getting to the vet so we had a bit of a stroll before going in. Rich was very well behaved for the vetess, he let her pull, poke and prod him as she needed and he just let her get on with it. she asked about his cough, it’s due to the problems with his heart, and I explained that since he was put on the extra meds, his cough is nowhere near as regular as it was. when he first came to us he would cough a couple of times every hour or so, now he can go a few days without coughing and even then we only get two or three. all things considered his heart beat is good, although quite erratic, but he has a good quality of life and that’s the important thing. all the while he’s as healthy as he can be we have nothing to worry about. I also think the addition of a new member of the family has helped him to calm down a bit. last night, Friday, we had a knock at the door and he did the whole GRRR woof woof thing, in dog language I think it means “Oi a big mean bum biting dog lives here so watch it!” of course he’s not. he’s a small cute pup with breath that could strip paint. the new addition a a very adorable Yorkie named Ronnie. She’s 6(ish) and is very quiet and just a little timid. She’s a rescue and we don’t know her full history but we suspect she may have been used as a breeder. I’m sure that it wont be long before she figures out that Trudes and me are total push overs and she has us wrapped around her dainty little paw. Oh who am I kidding, she already has where I’m concerned! She has the sweetest little face and I’m sure that anyone who meets her will think she’s a real cutie.

 

 

 

As you can see, she’s a very dainty little lass who is going to need a great deal of TLC, well we have loads of that and there’s plenty for the two pups to share, plus a little extra for friends and relatives.

I’ve taken myself off Facebook for a little while, I just feel that I’m spending too much time on it and not focussing on other stuff. I have a ton of miniatures to paint and facebook was one of the many things holding me back in that area. In hind sight I should have let my friends know that I was deactivating for a while, particularly as one of them thought i was dead and a few are a bit worried. herself has suggested that I simply reactivate it, but I’m not so sure as I want to.

Anyway, hell! hell is now located in Folkestone’s ASDA, I went shopping after getting back from the vets, what was I thinking? The place was full of gaping jawed halfwits, if we were in the US I'd be able to use the term “slack jawed yokels” but I'm sure you know the type of person I mean. If it isn’t the brain dead savants getting in my way, it’s all the mothers with pushchairs who have decided to set up a crèche in the middle of the frozen food aisle and are now having an in depth discussion on the best way to potty train a 1 year old. if the gormless shoppers aren’t bad enough, the tobacco counter has a queue that’s almost out of the shop, there’s two badly trained monkeys working it, well, I say working but i mean having a chat about last night out to the local cattle market, read night club, and whether or not they were going to be sober enough to successfully snog a member of their own species, puts a whole new spin on going to the fag counter, todays fag count was 2!

I’m hoping to get out in the garden with the Meade for a while tonight, of course it depends on cloud coverage. so that’s it for the moment, I’m off to the loft, we have a water tank that wont behave so I’m going to bash it with something heavy!

 

ta ta

Wooty woot woot

I’ve had a stroke of good fortune, during my week off work I went down to Hythe to see the future in laws, part of the reason was to collect Trudy’s telescope. When I first met her she told me that only the main scope was in the box, the tripod optics and controller handset were still with her ex. Over the last two weeks I’ve had the scope in the back garden and have enjoyed using it. Sadly I haven’t been able to get the true use of the scope due to the missing bits. I phoned telescope house and they said that they would look out for one and mail me if they had any luck tracking one down, so far no luck. Earlier in the week, Trudes mailed her ex to once again ask him if he could locate the missing components. He replied saying that he had the tripod and would bring it to her mum & dads at the weekend. It has transpired that he has done as he said and not only is the tripod in the bag but also the controller and the eye pieces. Oh sweet joy, now all I need is a clear sky to give the thing a proper workout.

Ooh look, a great big threatening button!

My my what a week it’s been, I’ve been back at work after a week off, I returned to work in anticipation of all manner of things having gone wrong and i was pleasantly surprised. no major catastrophes and no changes to the way things are done, and, most pleasing of all, no sharp pointy implements between my shoulder blades. I’m having another week off soon, I really hope to have the same situation when i go back.

During my week off I paid a visit to the shop, it actually turned into two visits, I went in to resurface the main gaming table and to improve the second table. it all went rather well and I’m pleased with the end result, although I think the second table could do with a bit more work, i have plans but i have to do a bit more thinking on it before i go ahead with things. the lads were also happy to see the tables looking a bit more scenic. we’ve set a new ruling where the tables are concerned, the buildings and terrain sections are not to be moved with out the express permission of either myself or Sue. Over the last couple of years, Sue and I have invested a great amount of time, and in Sue’s case cash, on getting the 40k days established and the main issue we both have is the lack of respect the lads show the pieces of terrain and buildings that have been provided, so not only was i resurfacing the tables, i was repairing damaged buildings, still it was fun so I suppose it’s not all bad.

I have fixed my telescope this week, huzzah! I had the help of Jim at work, he knows how to weld, so with a bit of his know how and my talent for scavenging bits I have a new slow motion fixture for my dear old Tasco, it just needs a touch of paint and it’ll be done. I’m so pleased it’s done, as I have a great feeling of joy in my scope. it’s not the greatest bit of kit, but it does a superb job for what it cost, and I get some really good views of the moon and planets such as mars, Jupiter and Saturn. however, the plan is to add a new scope in the new year. i have my eye on one that has a motor driven mount and is a tad more powerful than my old Tasco, plus I can get a camera mount for it so I may even be able to get herself interested in astrophotography as it combines one of her hobbies with one of mine, and I’m sure that members of the Astro club can give some hints with regard to kit.

I learned something on Wednesday that has made me very proud of myself, as many of my friends know I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes last year, as a result I’ve had to monitor what I eat a bit more sensibly. I must admit it’s not been easy but I not doing too bad, I have the odd occasion when I crave sugary stuff and need a fix, but then I manage to get over it, well most of the time. anyway, getting to the point, I was weighed on Wednesday, since February I’ve lost just over 2.5 stones. I’ve still got a way to go, but if the trend continues I could lose another half to three quarters of a stone by Christmas. Somewhere between would be great, it would be nice to end the year having lost around three stones. I(t’s surprising how good I feel, I’m not getting out of breath so easily and I seem to be able to move a bit easier. once I’ve got the blood pressure under control, I will be able to increase my exercise routine and that will help even more. So here’s to the new year, with the best of intentions, I could be fifteen stone by the end of 2011.

We also have a big secret, something is happening to this house on Sunday, I can’t say much more on pain of my already limited sweet treat supplies being totally withdrawn, suffice it to say that the house will once again be complete and I shall be a very happy chappy, well that’s the plan anyways. Well dear reader, that’s about it for now. I shall reveal all on Sunday, although I’m sure that you can probably guess what’s happening, but if you can’t then I shall leave you shivering with antici…

 

pation!

 

 

Ta ta.

Of pups and pottering!

Ok, it’s been pointed out to me that this should have been posted before the post about Cole and Cars.

Last Friday my nearest and dearest went off to Hertfordshire for the weekend, apparently there was a county show and The Little Dogs Rescue were going to be there promoting the charity and excellent work they do. I took the day off work so that I could spend time with her before she set off and go with her to catch the coach and see her off. She left at 15:30 and wouldn’t be back until late afternoon/early evening on Sunday. After she left I stayed in town to grab a few provisions for the weekend and then I returned home to the pup. Who promptly got taken out for a stroll. When we returned we settled down to watch mindless rubbish on the telly box for a while until heading out on another stroll. Nothing really exciting happened on Friday night, except for getting a call from the person Tea was meeting who told me that she could be found and wasn’t answering her phones. At this point I started to worry a bit. Trudes had been very apprehensive about going away and doesn’t take well to new environments and crowds, so learning that she was “missing” and incommunicado was more than a little cause for concern. Eventually I managed to get hold of her and she was ok and in the car, Hoorah!

Saturday was shop day; this presented me with a bit of a worry, the pup! I wasn’t totally comfortable with the idea of him being at the shop for the whole day and I couldn’t cancel the shop as Sue was going to the model railway exhibition and without me at the shop she’d lose a day’s trade, and with the current financial climate that wasn’t really an option. So what to do? Fortunately a plan was formulated and we agreed that a friend would come to the house at 08:30 and sit with the pupmiester for a couple of hours then bring him to me at the shop. So off I set leaving my wee man in very capable hands. I got a call just after 12 saying that they would be down soon and he was out for a stroll. When they arrived pup was being his usual shouty self, when his sitters departed I tried him with his calming band, which he immediately removed, clever pup! Eventually he settled down and I hardly knew he was there, apart from the odd grumbling for cuddles, toward the end of the day I was confident enough in my little man that I let him wander around the shop off the lead with me. He was so well behaved, the door to the shop is open all the time and leads straight out to Hythe high street, and he never once tried to make for the door. When I was in the gaming room with the lads he simply curled up under one of the tables and didn’t move until I called to him. Smiffy and his wife arrive and Suze fell in love with pup straight away. Well eventually the time came to head home, pup doesn’t like travelling and our only option was the bus. He was a bit whimpery but on the whole he was very well behaved. When we got home I dumped my bags and went straight back out to reward Rich for his excellent behaviour with a good long stroll. Over the course of the evening we had a few strolls. Sunday was quiet; we went out for a long stroll to the warren. More rubbish on the TV and a few more walks and then a call from Trudes to say that she would be home at 18:45. So pup and I pottered about until I went out to meet her coach. Trudes came home to a very happy pup who was very pleased to have her home, and to be honest, so was I. I missed her a lot, although I was very pleased that she had a good time and hope that she takes the chance to have another break. Maybe next time me and pup will go with her, although there is the whole thing about absence making the heart grow fonder and not appreciating something until it’s gone, by my girl doesn’t have to go away for me to realise how much I love her. I think she knows.

So there it is, my second post of the day is a little less ranty.

Ta ta

There comes a time when every man has to admit, it needs a spoiler!

Today is total rantification day, I’m not a big fan of so called talent shows, I dislike the fact that some people choose to embarrass themselves and stand up in front of the nation’s TV viewers after having convinced themselves that they can sing and dance, when in fact they have what could be called shower talent. Well the latest fiasco has resulted in Cheryl Cole being labelled racist for not choosing one lass out of thousands.

My point is this, walk down any city street and pass by homeless people who sleep in the cold and the rain, think about children being abused, starved and beaten because mummy and daddy can't afford this week’s rent, perhaps even consider the hundreds of British soldiers fighting in a conflict that they should never be involved in, spare a thought for thousands of people being held against their will and being beaten and tortured because of political or religious view.
Now before folk go getting on their soap boxes because a young lass with her whole life ahead of her got reject from a talent(less) show, and ask yourself which is a more worthy cause?
This isn't about racism, sexism, the fact that she's below a certain height, too fat, too skinny, too northern or too southern. It's about viewing figures and lining the pockets of the people involved in producing such programmes. Every time the X-Factor runs there's some sort of controversy, and every year thousands of threads are started to encourage people to stop voting/watching or buying the music. The only result is that every time it happens the viewing figures increase as people tune in to see more of the arguments and tantrums. The solution is simple, if you enjoy the x-factor, watch it and continue to enjoy. If you don't like it, change the flippin' channel. Or watch a DVD, or take the dog for a walk. The girl concerned will benefit more from not getting through than if she'd won the thing. Look at the results of last year. The lad that won is doing what? One single in 12 months, Jedward a UK tour and a TV series. So winning means nothing in the end anyway. With the right management team behind her she could be a rising star without over priced phone in votes that are fixed.

It’s not even down to Miss Cole who goes through, that’s just part of the show, a token sequence to maintain the illusion that the hopefuls are being given a fair chance. The producers decide who goes through and tell the faces of X-Factor who they want for the live final. So all these deluded fools who start hate groups on facebook need to take a good look at the real world and see that the campaigns of hate are just as bad as the racism they clam occurred. Hate does nothing more than create hate, there’s enough of that in the world without more being generated over the rejection of a child from a singing contest. There was never this much commotion over New Faces or Opportunity Knocks, and let’s face it that’s all the x-factor is. Oh I could now go on about the other talent type shows, Take strictly come ice skating for instance, take a handful of out of shape celebrities and throw them in at the deep end learning to do “proper” dancing or skating. Then when they have their first go at it, so called experts tell them how rubbish they are. Well of course they’re rubbish, they’ve never done it before. How about this for a concept, celebrity tree felling. We can get some relatively unknown TV peeps to cut down trees, from a sustainable source, but only give them 2 minutes training with a chainsaw and then when they’ve dismembered themselves we can tell them they’re rubbish. OK so probably not a good example, but you see my point. Alright it’s all in the name of entertainment, but wouldn’t it be better if the experts told them that they’d shown great improvement after three lessons rather than go for personal attack. But then I guess that’s not what these shows are about.

My next rant is very far removed from the above, cars! What the heck do car designers think they’re doing? The government babbles on about how we should be more eco friendly and join Greenpeace and all become ecomentalist. They tell us we should drive green cars that use alternative fuels. Have you seen the option available? They’re ridiculous, they can’t design cars anymore, it’s all done by a computer that takes a ball of plasticine and squishes it about a bit and ends up with something that makes the Jetsons space car look high tech. Why these people think we want to drive around in four wheeled bubbles is beyond me. The thing is they can make a cool looking electric car, they proved that with the Tesla. Seat have a concept called the IBe, it looks a bit like an Astra but it’s electric, Jaguar have designed the C-X75, it’s rather nice. We then move on to Kia’s endeavour in the field of battery powered cars, it’s called the Pop, and from the look of it, it very well might, Bubble #1. Bubble #2 is the Toyota FT-CH, Toyota take bubble #3 with the FT-EV II both TOYotas are along the same lines as the monstrously hideous Prius. A brilliant idea, an engine that runs on petrol/diesel and electric motors that are charged by the engine, the drawback is that it makes for a very quiet car; this means that people are more likely to get splattered because they never heard the car coming. Back the bubbles, Peugeot have a concept they are calling the BB1, oddly that almost spells bubble, it is hideous! No really, it’s the most ridiculous looking thing I’ve ever seen. I thought the Smart for2 was stupid, but the BB1 out stupids even my idea of a three wheeled wheelbarrow for carrying you’re drunken mates home on a Friday night. Other bubbles include the Renault Twizy which looks like a cross between a smart for2 that been shrunk in the wash and an action man tank. Not quite a bubble but still rather stupid looking is the Nissan Townpod, it’s a chunkier version of the Note, but a bit rounder.

Before I go I would just like to mention Lotus, with Rover and Jaguar owned by BMW and Aston Martin owned by Ford, the last bastion of British car design is probably Lotus, although they’re owned by Proton they still count, just! Lotus has, in the past, made some fantastic looking cars, the Esprit, the elan and the over powered go-cart that is the Elise. Looking at their concepts it seems that they’ve stolen the front end from every Lamborghini ever produced. Except for one car, the City Car. It’s not even original, it’s nothing more than an overpriced Toyota Yaris, Google it it’s an insult to the whole of Lotus’ history. Two blokes called Percy were sat in a shed in Norfolk and thought lets rip off the Japanese. Whatever happened to classics? They’d have done better if they put an engine and a spoiler on a grand piano.

Right I’m done,

Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood for my next entry.

Ta ta

Just when you thought it was over, what is with the new trend of putting the letter “I” in front of everything? Not to mention all the different pods that are about now. It’s not as though we’re peas! Or should that be I-peas

Who ya gonna call? well someone with a bit of common sense would be a start!

Those of you who know me well will be aware that I have more than a passing interest in the paranormal, and I have long been interested in conducting an investigation in an alleged haunted location. I have considered various places to carry out such activity and have considered many factors, the first being access. Ideally the location should have free and unlimited access and fairly isolated from built up areas, so as to rule out distractions from traffic and public activity. So somewhere off the beaten track would be a good start. The location would also have sufficient parking or be well within walking distance of such parking. Once a location has been agreed upon by all interested, we should carry out a daylight visit to risk assess the place and decide on the areas that warrant particular attention. The main issue here would be equipment, I have a DVD camera that has a night vision facility and, if I ask nicely, access to a video tape camera that also has night vision. I don’t see any issues with cameras, almost everyone I know has a digital camera, and considering that most mobile phones feature a fairly good camera we should be able to get plenty together. I also have access to a rather good 35mm still camera, although I would have to ask permission to use it. Considering that such investigations normally take place at night, a good supply of torches and batteries would be a necessity. One piece of kit I would like to have is either an EMF meter or a K2 meter. These are available to buy, but I can’t warrant purchasing one if it isn’t going to get used regularly. Another useful bit of kit to have at hand would be some form of audio recording equipment. Again I have 2 of these, one is powered by a single AAA battery, the other has a built in rechargeable battery. Of course the most vital part of any paranormal investigation is a group of investigators. A few friends have expressed an interest and I’m quietly confident that I could muster the troops for a Friday or Saturday night effort. Where locations are concerned, one place that has intrigued me is a place known as Oxney Bottom. It’s an area of woodland between St Margaret’s and Ringwould on the road from Dover to Deal. It has the remains of a 16^th century chapel and a ruined manor house. I grew up hearing many tales of the area, including the legend of the grey lady, seen by motorists; many of them claim that the apparition forced them off the road. There is also a claim that a small boy ran away from home, made his way to the woods where he fell down a well. Apparently there is a capped well in the area; it would have served the manor house and small village. There are rumours that the boys’ remains are still at the bottom of the well, and he has been seen running through the woods. The only issue with an investigation here is that I suspect the wood surrounding the remains of the chapel are private property and that police were investigating the removal and damage of the no trespassing notices. An obvious choice for a location would be Pluckley, but I think the locals take a dim view of people running around the village with camcorders and torches. Of course if any of my readers have any suggestions for a good place to visit leave details here or mail me at the usual address, you can, of course, contact me via facebook.

Well that’s it for this entry, sleep well.

A haunting we will go!

Hello there, you’re back, it’s been a while, how have you been? I’ve been quite busy since my last post, work has been fun, I’ve been in the workshop this past week and a bit, the interesting thing is that once I got back to my main role at work I realised that it’s the flipping computers that are getting me down. Six years ago they were slightly above average Dells, now they’re slow cumbersome monsters that actually manage to ruin my day. Combine them with what could be the worst internet connection in the world and the computers are just about beyond useless. Still, the chances of getting upgrades are extremely unlikely so I guess I’ll make do and keep my gob shut. Nuff sed!

Way back at the beginning of the month I was asked if I would give a talk about the south east coastal defence batteries, I spent a bit of time putting something together and reading through my notes (not that you’d think it) and on the evening of 29^th I gave my talk, whilst I was a bag of nerves I had some positive feedback and it seemed to go very well. I’ve discovered that I’m a bit odd when it comes to giving talks, I’ve given three for the astronomy club and now one for the archaeology club, it seems no matter how much I prepare I lose it a bit at the time. Oh well I’m sure I’ll get better as time passes.

Getting back to the subject of work, one of the guys has been watching videos of alleged poltergeist activity; he’s been asking me if what is in the video is real. How on earth do you answer a question like that? I decided to go down the logical route and give him my honest opinion, not always a good thing in my experience, I explained that whilst I would not rule out the possibility of genuine supernatural activity, I am fairly convinced that most if all of the videos that are available to view on you tube are either blatant fakes or simply a case of misdirection. After this chat I could see cogs whirring and he eventually asked me how such videos could be faked. Well rather than go into elaborate details I thought I I’d show him. So yesterday I went to work armed with my video camera and a rough idea as to what we would do. Fortunately my workplace has a very well equipped woodwork shop and a couple of my workmates go fishing so there was plenty of props and the guys soon entered into the spirit of the thing. Initially the lads were a bit bemused about what we were doing, but once they saw the results of our early efforts they were both amused and impressed. We had a couple of takes, ooh technical terms, out of the six separate sequences I selected one good one and one slightly daft one, although I find the whole concept of these sort of videos more than a bit daft. After a bit of tweaking the video was ready to be posted on YouTube. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the videos that get put on the web claiming to show ghostly goings on, but I wonder if they are doing more harm than good to any chance of genuine discoveries in the area of paranormal studies. Either way the video is available for all to view, and can be found by going to YouTube and searching for kalon1701. Go take a look; it’s worth a giggle, if nothing else.

If you do choose to view it, please don’t have nightmares, after all it’s just for fun.

Bye y’all.