Poorly pup! :o(

The week has almost passed and up until Wednesday night it hadn’t been too bad, what bought a dampener on the week was noticing that Ronnii, our Yorkie, had something rather unpleasant looking near her nethers. On closer inspection it appeared that she had some sort of prolapsed in that region. We found her insurance policy and rang a 24 hour vet helpline who advised that she see a vet ASAP. Thursday morning arrived and Trudes rang the vet that we use in Hythe and arranged for Ronnii to be seen at ten. By ten forty Trudes rang me to say that Ronnii had something called a semi necrotic polyp. Apparently it looks and sounds worse than it actually is, Trudes’ has advised me not to look it up on Google, and so I have no intention of doing so. From the way she phrased it I wouldn’t advise anyone should. Friday morning I will be taking little Ronnii Rocket down to the vet where I will leave her in the capable hands of what I consider to be the best vet in the area. So I’m a bit more at ease knowing that she will be in the most caring environment possible, other than home of course, but I am a little worried as it turns out that Ronnii isn’t about six years old as we were led to believe, she is actually nearer eleven years old. This changes everything, were she six then the risks presented by a general anesthetic wouldn’t be as high, but with her being much older there is a greater chance that being knocked out could be quite dangerous. Fortunately I have absolute trust in the vet and if he says that she will be fine, then I’m sure she will be, but you can’t help but worry.

Of course this does mean that Ronnii Rocket will have to wear a lamp shade for a while and we will have to be extra vigilant in keeping Richie off her back, quite literally, but once she recovered I don’t doubt that she’ll be back to her normal self and seeing Richie off herself.

On top of this, Trudes has a very nasty throat infection and feeling particularly yucky, but given the fact that chemo has shot her immune system to pot she’s been quite lucky. I know that we’ll get through this rough patch, but I also know that she was desperately hoping to start 2011 with a better result than the one she got. In an odd way Ronnii being poorly has helped to distract her from her own fears and focus on making sure that the pup will be ok. It’s odd how people face adversity and I have the deepest admiration for the way Trudy has openly held herself together over the last twelve months, perhaps longer. I am certain that when I have been at work or out in general she has allowed herself to drop the brave face she puts on every day. She may not think it but I think that she is one of the bravest people I know, and for that I love her wholly.

Whilst I’m on the subject of brave, I happened to see the beginning of Dancing on Ice on Sunday, one of the contestants is a former soldier who served in Iraq, he sustained terrible injuries and he is still recovering from those injuries that he received seven years ago. He put the lives of others above his own and saved the lives of other soldiers, not once but twice. He was awarded the Victoria Cross for his actions, rightly so. To me, this man is the complete definition of the word “hero” whilst many people use that word to describe football players or talent show winners; they aren’t even close in comparison.

Astronomy club

Hello you, welcome to 2011, I hope the year has started well for you, if it has I hope it continues to be good, if it didn’t then let’s hope it gets better.

I went back to work on Tuesday, oh joy! It hasn’t been too bad but it’s early in the year so we’ll see what happens. I had the day off on Friday as Trudes was off to hospital and the pups needed someone with them. Little Ronnii’s come into season and we can’t risk letting Richie have his wicked way with her. It wouldn’t be good for her and with Richie’s heart problem it wouldn’t be great for him either. So I had a couple of hours with them whilst Trudes was off at the hospital.

This morning, being Saturday, I set off to the shop. It was only going to be a short visit to return some lights and catch up with the lads and Sue. Whilst waiting for the bus to Hythe I looked up at the sky. It had rained heavily during the night and there was a rather strong wind. This was more than a bit disappointing because the astronomy club was holding an event as part of the BBC’s Stargazing Live. Knowing the weather as I do I consigned myself to the fact that cloud would be the norm for the rest of the weekend and the only astronomy done would be via a computer. Things were looking better by the time I left Folkestone at five; a red tint to the sky and the noticeable lack of cloud over Ashford indicated that we might have clear skies over the club sight. Taking the time to look up when I arrived the skies were indeed clear and this meant that we would be able to get the scopes out. The event was due to start at six and finish at nine, we started a little late and people were still arriving. It was incredible to see the amount of people that had come. On a normal astronomy club night we have around 50 people, tonight there was around 150. The hall was packed and when the clubs chairman gave the opening talk there was standing room only. Drew talked for about forty minutes and then we took telescopes outside and set up for an evening’s stargazing.

I took both of my scopes along, the Meade and the Tasco, I spent about ten minutes aligning the Meade and got it set up fairly well. The first object I set it to was the Pleiades cluster, the only view I got of it was when I checked the field of view because there was at least ten people all eager to look through the scope. Fortunately the Meade tracks an object so I could leave it for people to look through and this also allowed me to set up the Tasco. Setting up the Tasco isn’t too difficult, unless the finder scope has been knocked out of alignment. It had so I had to spend a few minutes centring the scope on a bright object and then I had to adjust the finder scope. This didn’t take too long and it was a good thing too because people were now starting to queue up to look through the Tasco. I set it on Jupiter and stepped aside so everyone could see what the scope was on. I was asked questions and, hopefully, answered them informatively without too much techno babble. I also managed to decide what the subject for my next talk will be. Although it won’t be until November I can make good use of the time to ensure that I can make a good presentation and not be so naff and stutter quite so much, I can also make sure that I can cover all possible questions at the end.

The subject will be extra-solar planets; I have ten months to prepare, what could possibly go wrong?

Next Sunday is an adult gaming day, there is a possibility that it will be the last one, there’s not a great deal of interest and I’m seriously beginning to wonder if it’s worth the hassle of opening the shop for the day. I know that it brings a few quid in but it also means that I won’t be wasting a Sunday waiting for people to turn up. We start at ten but the few guys that do show up don’t usually get there until gone twelve which means that I’ve sat freezing my backside off for two hours for nothing, the alternative is to make it later in the day, I shall see how it goes on Sunday before I make a decision.

So with my head reeling from the brilliant evening at Woodchurch, I have no doubt that this has done wonders for the club, we should certainly get new members as a result. This is great because it’s the members that keep the club going, and it’s some that I can honestly say that I’m proud to be a part of. The atmosphere at the club is fantastic and I look forward to every meeting, I just wish we could meet more often.

2010, the year of the something or other!

Well 2010 draws to a close as I write this, so I guess it’s time to review the past 12 months. I suppose it’s always good to start at the beginning. January was a fairly quiet month, I visited the Toy Fair with Sue and Mickey, Mickey and I also found the time to visit the Natural History museum and the Forbidden Planet where I managed to get hold of the, now difficult to find, River Song Sonic Screwdriver, honestly they’re as rare as hens teeth now, E-bay is about the only place you can find them now. I only had one trip to the NHM this year instead of the standard three; I plan to go in the New Year but maybe a bit later in, although I would like to see the deep sea exhibition that’s there at the moment.

February was fairly quiet, Very early in the month Trudes and I went to the SFX Weekender, I got to meet some of my childhood heroes, Tom Baker and Elizabeth Sladen, Trudes went all gooey over James Marsters and the bloke from Torchwood who isn’t Captain Jack.

March and April were actually quiet; as well as the Chambers Beer Festival, Frulli’s nice, the major event was the arrival of a certain Yorkshire Terrier that ended up firmly entrenched in our hearts. Over the next few months Molly touched the hearts of many of my friends who were all enamoured with her, and who could blame them?

In May we temporarily fostered a sweet little chap called Harry, those who read about on the blog will be pleased to know he’s doing very well and has found a superb forever home where he is truly loved.

June was the usual daily stuff and was fairly dull as months go, I may skip June this year as it was so dull. July however was a bit more exciting as I walked from Capel to Dover with some of the best mates a man could want; there was some pretty decent nosh at the end of it too, plus a fairly good pint.

July saw the first of many trips to the vet for Molly, this first visit result in molly having a short stay in hospital. This brought home the reality that our sweet Molly Popples was only going to be with us for a short time so we decided to make the most of every single moment we would have with her.

August saw a return visit to a place we stopped at whilst walking to Dover, an area called Lydden Spout, during the Second World War this was part of the defensive emplacements along the Kent coast. This second visit saw us exploring the area in much greater detail, not only all three gun pits but the magazines and plotting rooms. There are plans afoot to return to the plotting rooms to install a desk for the book of remembrance that has been placed there. We also went camping at the end of the month, Molly had a special set of pyjamas made for her and was absolutely doted on by all who were there. She had the time of her life, wandering around fields and nomming rabbit poop, she even joined for an hours fishing. She sat with us around a bon fire and toasted marsh mallows and sang songs; well we sang she looked on with that look that an embarrassed child might give you. Despite the bad singing and late nights, a good time was had by all. August also saw another serious trip for Molly to the hospital.

As it turned out, it was Molly’s last trip to the hospital, on Friday the third of September, my sweet little Molly Popples crossed the rainbow bridge and my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, I hadn’t realised until then how much that little pup meant to me, I don’t think I’ve blubbed so much for many years. Shortly after saying goodbye to Molly we were joined by Richie. He’s another LDR dog and despite my best efforts to keep a sensible distance and not get too attached he’s now a major part of our lives and also loved by friends, as it should be really. What helped us decide to foster him was the fact that Richie was bought to the house to see how he got on with Molly, they got on really well and it was almost as if she had chosen him to be our second dog, so it seemed only fitting that he should come to live with us. I also gave a talk for an Archaeology club that makes a total of four public talks I’ve given. I’m scheduled to give a talk for the Astronomy club in November, at present I have no idea what the subject matter will be but I will allow a month or two to work that out.

October saw the arrival of Ronnii, she too is a TLDR dog but with a difference, she is ours! I know that makes no real difference regarding how the dogs are treated, they are equally loved and cared for and neither dog is more special than the other, although I’m sure there’s times when that’s open to debate. Trudy managed to retrieve her Meade telescope from her ex, I may have gotten a little excited about that, after all you know me and new gadgets. October also saw us visited by an old friend who had come over from the States, it was great to catch up and hear that friends over there were doing well; I’m so pleased that everything has worked out for Phil and Sue, and I wish them both every happiness for the future.

That leaves November and December, These were quiet save for a rather fantastic Boxing Day get together with some great mates and a trip to Dover Castle the following day, I have to admit that I was a bit stiff the next day after running around like a possessed school boy, not a good idea when you reach my age.

On the whole 2010 has had some high points and some very low points, health wise I’ve lost almost 3 stone and plan to continue doing whatever it is I’ve been doing. The problem is that I’m not sure what I’ve been doing, all I know is I’ve lost the weight.

The one thing that has amazed me is the fact that so many people around the planet read this drivel, Over the last few days I've visitors from Malaysia, all over the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Russia and Poland to name but a few. All I can say to that is, "wow!" and thank you all for taking the time to read about the (mis)adventures of such a grumpy and cantakerous old so and so, I shall try to make my blog post more interesting over the next 12 months so please keep dropping by.

So that’s it for 2010, in January I already have plans to take part in another toy fair, which may also include a museum trip of some sort, we shall have to wait and see, the last thing for me to do is wish you all a happy and prosperous 2011, may you receive everything you wish for and deserve.

See ya!

Turkeys, tinsel and time pieces!

Trudes and I had a quiet Christmas day, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a jolly one. Trudes was very happy with all the things that she got from me. And I was over the moon with the gifts from Trudes and the pups. Amongst the loads of lovely pressies was a meccano robot that I had to build, unusually for such things it came with batteries, huzzah! There was also a Bill Bailey DVD and two Ian Rainkin books, I haven’t read any of his stuff before but the blurb on the back made them sound good. I also got a Kathy Riechs book, the TV series Bones is based on them; again I haven’t read any before so it will be a new experience. I got a fantastic watch from the in-laws, you need a degree in mathematics to understand it, but it has flashy lights and looks very sci-fi. So I’m looking forward to showing that off. I’m not going to list what the missus got; you can find out on her blog, I don’t want to steal her thunder.

Tomorrow (Sunday) we have friends visiting, I’m very much looking forward to the day, although I have to pop out early in the morning to get some shopping, I swear if it wasn’t for the last minute I’d get nothing done. Poor Trudes is going to be running around like a headless turkey sorting out the scoff for the day, and we have saved one or two pressies from friends to open on the day. I’m very curious about one of the gifts, although I think I have an Idea what one of Teas is.

On Monday there’s a chance of a visit to Dover castle, I really hope this happens as I haven’t been there since the revamp, of course I’d love for Trudes to be coming with me, but I’m not sure she would be able to handle all the stairs and travelling, plus someone has to be at home with the pups. However I do plan to pup sit for her if she wants to spend time with her son/folks, or visit other friends.

Anyways, that’s about it for now, I think the next entry will be a review of the year. I hope, dear reader, you had a good Christmas and spent it loved ones as it should be. Until my next entry, keep warm, and don’t drink and drive. You’re likely to spill it and short out the dashboard electrics.

Toodles

The Raven

It’s been somewhat of a tradition, well for me anyway, to read or watch a ghost story on Christmas day. I don’t know how or why it started, it just did. For me the best Christmas ghost story is A Christmas Carol but that’s a bit long to put here. Si I’ve decided to put up my second favourite tale, Edgar Allen Poe’s “The Raven”. Enjoy

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
`'Tis some visitor,' I muttered, `tapping at my chamber door -
Only this, and nothing more.'
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.
And the silken sad uncertain rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
`'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door -
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; -
This it is, and nothing more,'
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,
`Sir,' said I, `or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you' - here I opened wide the door; -
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, `Lenore!'
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, `Lenore!'
Merely this and nothing more.
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,
Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.
`Surely,' said I, `surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!'
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,
In there stepped a stately raven of the saintly days of yore.
Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door -
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door -
Perched, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling,
By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,
`Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,' I said, `art sure no craven.
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,
Though its answer little meaning - little relevancy bore;
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door -
Bird or beast above the sculptured bust above his chamber door,
With such name as `Nevermore.'
But the raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only,
That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.
Nothing further then he uttered - not a feather then he fluttered -
Till I scarcely more than muttered `Other friends have flown before -
On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before.'
Then the bird said, `Nevermore.'
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,
`Doubtless,' said I, `what it utters is its only stock and store,
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful disaster
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore -
Till the dirges of his hope that melancholy burden bore
Of "Never-nevermore."'
But the raven still beguiling all my sad soul into smiling,
Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door;
Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore -
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore
Meant in croaking `Nevermore.'
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing
To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core;
This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er,
But whose velvet violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o'er,
She shall press, ah, nevermore!
Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.
`Wretch,' I cried, `thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he has sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore!
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe, and forget this lost Lenore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil! -
Whether tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted -
On this home by horror haunted - tell me truly, I implore -
Is there - is there balm in Gilead? - tell me - tell me, I implore!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Prophet!' said I, `thing of evil! - prophet still, if bird or devil!
By that Heaven that bends above us - by that God we both adore -
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden, whom the angels named Lenore?'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
`Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!' I shrieked upstarting -
`Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!
Leave my loneliness unbroken! - quit the bust above my door!
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!'
Quoth the raven, `Nevermore.'
And the raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door;
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;
And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor
Shall be lifted - nevermore!

By the way, Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket...

I have come to the conclusion that Christmas shopping is, in fact, just another level of hell! I set off to work this morning for a staff meeting and a cuppa with my colleagues. We were only in for half a day and before we went our separate ways we checked that the building was secure and not likely to burst into flames over the next week and a bit. I was feeling a bit peckish by the time we left so I thought I’d nip into MacDonald’s for a bit of scoff only to discover that it was packed full of people who had exactly the same idea as me, they could have had it a bit later but never mind. I gave up on the thought and set off in search of gifts for the missus. Oh dear, the town was heaving! First stop was W H Smiths, not for Trudes but to pick up my monthly Astro mags. Then the real horror struck as I wandered in and out of various girly type shops looking for the ideal thing for a girl. It’s not that I don’t like shopping; it’s more a case that I’m a bit of a misanthrope. I don’t have much time for the type of people you generally encounter. When I shop I tend to go in, get what I need and get out again. Admittedly this doesn’t always go to plan as I have a tendency to be somewhat forgetful. So I know that when I enter the maze of consumerism that is a supermarket I will become more than a little fretful as I run through the list of things I need to get. My stress levels are not helped by doddering old dears who have just met in the middle of the dairy aisle and are taking the chance to catch up on not having seen each other for the last three months. Not so bad except for the fact that they’re standing between their trolleys and blocking the entire section. Of course they can hear a five pound note hit the floor from five miles away, but when you say “excuse me” they both become as deaf as posts and seem to take up more room than before. Then there are the people who stop you to ask if you know where the cheese is, do I look like a member of staff? Finally the shops conspire against you, they move things, one day you find the bread near the bakery section, naturally, the next day it’s with the breakfast cereal. Leave it be, it’s getting to the stage where I’ll need a blooming sat-nav to find the stuff I want.

I read somewhere that it is the season of goodwill, this being the case, why are people so flipping miserable? I have a perfectly good excuse, I’m a grumpy old man, and I make no effort to hide the fact that a vast majority of the human race annoys me, particularly anyone younger than me and considerably older. When I pay for my stuff there isn’t so much as a smile, the checkout operator just crams your stuff in a bag and sends you on your way. Considering the fact that I am such a cantankerous old git, I still manage to muster up a bit of joviality.

Anyway the shopping is done and I have purchased presents and picked up a couple of bits that were needed for Sunday, so I can now relax and forget work for the next eleven days and focus on making sure that my sweet girl has a jolly time with our friends.

It’s a mad world made even more mad by the festive season!

Christmas Fruitcake recipe

1 C Water
1 C Sugar
4 Large eggs
3 C dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 C Brown sugar
Lemon juice, nuts
1 FULL bottle of your favourite whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take out a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two geggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the burner.
If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaters,
pry it loose with a screwdriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for toxisisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt.
Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something...whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn on the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruit cake anyway???

I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.

Having exhausted my supply of festive based ramblings, I now resort to writing my own inane drivel again. With less than a week left of work, 2.5 days to be exact, I can only hope that the wage elves are working extra hard on ensuring that my wages hit my bank account in time to do shopping. We’re having friends in for Boxing Day so Trudes and I shall have a quiet 25^th and make up for it on the 26^th with festive frolics, fun and frivolity. There will be six persons in attendance, including me and Tea, so one thing I would like to do is a never mind the buzzcocks type quiz, assuming the visitors will be up for a bit of music trivia. There’s the chance of a visit to Dover castle on the 27^th, I would like to go as I think that it is the best castle in the world, a view swayed more than a little by the fact that I grew up in Dover and spent a great deal of my younger years exploring the site. There are a few secrets that remain as such, I doubt that I’ll ever get the place to reveal everything about its history, but that’s ok because I like not knowing if some of the secrets are the stuff of myth and legend. There’s enough in my head to entertain a party of visitors for a good few hours and if I do get to go along I will try very hard not to bore the group with useless facts, unless I get asked of course, although there is the high risk of opening the flood gates and not being able to shut me up.

I had one of the worst trips into town after work today, mad people everywhere and each and every one of them buying as much bread and milk as they can stuff into a trolley, purely because they are worrying that the light sprinkling of snow we had yesterday my shut the country down again. So after cutting the shopping trip short, due to chavs hogging every check out, I headed to the bus station, only to discover that the busses were running to some very odd timetable, they were running bad enough this morning, or should that be not running? Forty five minute I waited for a flipping bus, needless to say I was late in this morning. So I waited for any bus heading in the right direction and ended up getting on one that had a small child that screamed constantly from the moment it got on the bus up until it got off, the mother of said screamer did nothing more than tell her darling little offspring to shut up. There were two other words in there but I can only write one of them here, and it was “the”. I think all the little fella wanted was a bit of comforting, instead it got sworn at. Mummy had obviously run out of patience, if she had any in the first place.

Tomorrow, being Saturday, I’m off to the shop for the last, official, club meet up of the year. I’m rather looking forward to it, not because it’s the last one for 2010, but because I get to hear the speculation from the lads about what they’ve got by way of 40k stuff. The beauty of it is that I know most of it and I doubt there will be any disappointment on the 25^th. I expect to see some very happy faces when we start up again next year.

Well that just about wraps up this entry, Hope yawl have a good’un

Christmas Is Coming – A Turkey’s Tale

When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."

Christmas dog

Tonight's my first night as a watchdog,
And here it is Christmas Eve.
The children are sleeping all cozy upstairs,
While I'm guardin' the stockin's and tree.
What's that now---footsteps on the rooftop?
Could it be a cat or a mouse?
Who's this down the chimney?
A thief with a beard---
And a big sack for robbin' the house?
I'm barkin', I'm growlin', I'm bitin' his butt.
He howls and jumps back in his sleigh.
I scare his strange horses, they leap in the air.
I've frightened the whole bunch away.
Now the house is all peaceful and quiet again.
The stockin's are safe as can be.
Won't the kiddies be glad when they wake up tomorrow
And see how I've guarded the tree.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Grandma got run over by a reindeer
Walking home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
She'd been drinkin' too much egg nog,
And we'd begged her not to go.
But she'd left her medication,
So she stumbled out the door into the snow.
When they found her Christmas mornin',
At the scene of the attack.
There were hoof prints on her forehead,
And incriminatin' Claus marks on her back.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now were all so proud of Grandpa,
He's been takin' this so well.
See him in there watchin' football,
Drinkin' beer and playin' cards with cousin Belle.
It's not Christmas without Grandma.
All the family's dressed in black.
And we just can't help but wonder:Should we open up her gifts or send them back?
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.
Now the goose is on the table
And the pudding made of fig.
And a blue and silver candle,
That would just have matched the hair in Grandma'swig.
I've warned all my friends and neighbours.
Better watch out for yourselves."
They should never give a license,
To a man who drives a sleigh and plays with elves.
Grandma got run over by a reindeer,
Walkin' home from our house, Christmas eve.
You can say there's no such thing as Santa,
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe

Christmas Shopping

It was Christmas Eve closing time, nearly
Where a last minute shopper, frustrated clearly
Was rummaging through the freezer cabinet
At her nearest out of town super market
Desperately searching for a frozen turkey
And couldn't find one big enough for her family
Then she saw a young shop assistant pass by
And decided that she would give him a try
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?" she said
Puzzled he replied "No madam, they're dead."

A Christmas tale

At this time of year it is patently clear
That the males are the ones who are blest.
Thoughts like "goodwill to men" we hear time and again
And we find them quite hard to digest.
As we women all know, men think they run the show,
And sometimes we allow them this pause.
But it gets on our nerves, like too many hors d'oeuvres
When we want to get at the main course.
Many times out of mind the same problem we find,
Leaving plans to the menfolk is risky.
Christmas spirit they think is some kind of a drink,
Such as vodka, Baccardi, or whiskey.
Since we carry the load, men keep out of our road,
We are ready and willing and able.
For it's perfectly clear, that the stuffed turkeys here
Are not always confined to the table.
The traditional way is now rather passe,
Lets give credit, where credit is due.
Then you'll see, man or boy, in return you'll enjoy
The fruits of OUR goodwill to you.

My Christmas

Hark the herald angels sing,
please put an end to my suffering.
I can’t take much more of this,
a slobbering cow I’d rather kiss.

Why can’t grandpa find his dentures?
One of the holiday’s misadventures.
Hard liquor is the only way
to get us through this Christmas day.

At least it comes but once a year.
Otherwise I would live in fear
of Aunt Gertrude’s fruitcake and shrieking spawn.
I think I’ll hide out on the lawn.

Another Tie

"Gee, thanks! Another reindeer tie!"
Dad says with a sigh,
as he tries not to cry,
Christmas joy gone bye-bye.

Disappointment is the gift that’s unwrapped
when Christmas shopping’s not mapped
and you find yourself strapped,
your face soon to be slapped.

Next year make a list
of gifts not to be missed,
to ensure Christmas bliss
and a face that is kissed.

Goodwill To Men - Give Us Your Money by Pam Ayres

It was Christmas Eve on a Friday
The shops was full of cheer,
With tinsel in the windows,
And presents twice as dear.
A thousand Father Christmases,
Sat in their little huts,
And folk was buying crackers
And folk was buying nuts.
All up and down the country,
Before the light was snuffed,
Turkeys they get murdered,
And cockerels they got stuffed,
Christmas cakes got marzipanned,
And puddin's they got steamed
Mothers they got desperate
And tired kiddies screamed.
Hundredweight's of Christmas cards,
Went flying through the post,
With first class postage stamps on those,
You had to flatter most.
Within a million kitchens,
Mince pies was being made,
On everyone's radio,
"White Christmas", it was played.
Out in the frozen countryside
Men crept round on their own,
Hacking off the holly,
What other folks had grown,
Mistletoe on willow trees,
Was by a man wrenched clear,
So he could kiss his neighbour's wife,
He'd fancied all the year.
And out upon the hillside,
Where the Christmas trees had stood,
All was completely barren,
But for little stumps of wood,
The little trees that flourished
All the year were there no more,
But in a million houses,
Dropped their needles on the floor.
And out of every cranny, cupboard,
Hiding place and nook,
Little bikes and kiddies' trikes,
Were secretively took,
Yards of wrapping paper,
Was rustled round about,
And bikes were wheeled to bedrooms,
With the pedals sticking out.
Rolled up in Christmas paper
The Action Men were tensed,
All ready for the morning,
When their fighting life commenced,
With tommy guns and daggers,
All clustered round about,
"Peace on Earth - Goodwill to Men"
The figures seemed to shout.
The church was standing empty,
The pub was standing packed,
There came a yell, "Noel, Noel!"
And glasses they got cracked.
From up above the fireplace,
Christmas cards began to fall,
And trodden on the floor, said:
"Merry Christmas, to you all."

A Politically Correct Christmas Poem

T'was the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

Santa Claus is tapping Your phone!

You'd better watch out,
You'd better not cry,
You'd better not pout;
I'm telling you why.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He's bugging your room,
He's reading your mail,
He's keeping a file
And running a tail.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone.

He hears you in the bedroom,
Surveys you out of doors,
And if that doesn't get the goods,
Then he'll use provocateurs.

So, you mustn't assume
That you are secure.
On Christmas Eve
He'll kick in your door.
Santa Claus is tapping
Your phone!

Ho! Ho! Ho! And Jingle Bells

Ho! Ho! Ho! and Jingle Bells,
What's all the fuss about?
The rich food and the drinkies,
Only inflame my bloody gout.

My credit card has almost melted,
From persistent overuse,
And my liver is near failure,
From pre-Christmas Party abuse.

My blood sugars are elevated,
And my blood pressure is sky high,
I was feeling really well before lunch,
But now I think I'm going to die!

Nobody liked the presents that I bought,
And the family is at war,
So much for Christmas Spirit,
And that's all I asked Santa for,

Now no-one is talking to me,
While I lie here exiled in the Sun,
With my belt unbuckled and my gut exposed,
Thanking God that this Christmas is done.

Christmas!

I've been getting ready for Christmas
I'm revving up for the great day
my credit card's cracked and my freezer is packed
'cause I started my shopping in May

The mistletoe's hanging in bunches
'cause the odd Christmas kiss isn't wrong
and the Vicar I've found - quite likes calling round
and exploring my crowns with his tongue

The bin men have gotten quite friendly
they're after a present I fear
they won't feel so chuffed when I tell them - get stuffed
'cause they don't speak the rest of the year

The family is coming for dinner
last year it was quite a good laugh
we ate fairly late - dished the veg on the plate
found the turkey was still in the bath

the Kids are all pink with excitement
'cause Santa will come so they say
their lists are extensive - extremely expensive
and they'll break it all by Boxing day

But it's worth all that fuss Christmas morning
when their little eyes are all aglow
when we're all feeling merry full of goodwill and sherry
and suffering from wind Ho Ho Ho

But please don't forget why we do it
why each year we must go to this fuss
for that guy up above who brought peace and brought love
and who probably owns Toys R Us