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Tuesday, 22 September 2009

and so it begins!

A few of my friends have suggested that I start a blog; my counsellor told me that keeping some sort of journal could help me in deal with my depression. So this is killing 2 birds with one stone. Two months ago I went to see my doctor, I needed to speak to him about my blood pressure and I also felt that the time had come when I needed to get a grip on reality and face up to the way I was feeling. I think the catalyst for the negative perspective was splitting with my girlfriend in February; I spent the next 6 months moping around, feeling that I had no purpose in life. I also felt that my life was basically going to work, going home then getting up in morning and starting all over again. So I went to the doctor with this list?

This is how I feel:

· I am unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.

· I have no interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.

· I do not see the point in getting out of bed and 'facing the world'.

· I have little or no appetite, no interest in food and losing weight, although I do find myself comfort eating.

· I find myself getting irritable and annoyed with situations that never used to bother me.

· I have no self-confidence.

· I would rather be on my own than spend time with other people, I also do not feel as though I have any real friends.

· I feel useless and inadequate and that my life in general is pointless.

· I do not see an end to the way I am feeling and that nothing will make things better.

· I have considered taking my own life on at least 2 occasions

So, after a hard search for some testicular fortitude, off I trotted to see him with my list. His first action was to check my BP, this came in at 179/130, apparently this is very bad and most folk with BP this high usually end up dead. Well not wanting to do the whole being dead thing I took his advice and got him to write out a prescription for meds to combat the problem. The next stage was talking about being depressed. I spoke to him about the list, he asked me to complete a brief questionnaire about how I felt. The results being quite negative he suggested that as well as anti depressants I should see a counsellor. An appointment was made about 2 weeks later. Another set of question indicated that I was high risk and borderline bi-polar. I’ve now had four sessions and things are definitely on the up. I have one more session at the beginning of October; this is a review of how I’ve been doing over the past few weeks. Apart from the anti-depressants and the counselling, I think a major contributing “recovery” (for want of a better word) from depression has been the fact that I took in a friend’s cat as a permanent resident at home. Obi-Kat-Kenobi is a fantastic cat. He’s very affectionate and social. I really do believe that having him around has helped pick me back up.

Looking at the list, I now feel that it can be amended. So, dear reader here is the updated list. Well, I say updated, I mean revised.

This is how I feel:

· I am unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable. I’ve started finding my interest renewed, and slowly but surely I am regaining my enthusiasm for the activities I enjoyed doing.

· I have no interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life. Again, this has improved, it’s no longer a lack of interest, and it’s now a lack of time.

· I do not see the point in getting out of bed and 'facing the world'. My passion for my job has returned, and life in general, I now greet each day and welcome most challenges that life throws at me.

· I have little or no appetite, no interest in food and losing weight, although I do find myself comfort eating. This is pretty much the same; my real problem is that I really enjoy junk food. I know I should change my diet to improve my general health, which in turn will reduce the risk of heart attack and /or a stroke. I’ve also taken to walking a bit more, which is good because exercise is said to help with depression.

· I find myself getting irritable and annoyed with situations that never used to bother me. This is one of the most important changes, I am almost back to the laid back easy going chap I used to be.

· I have no self-confidence. This one is probably the hardest one to change, although I do feel a bit better about myself in general, but I’ve had a bit of help with that one.

· I would rather be on my own than spend time with other people, I also do not feel as though I have any real friends. I’ve started to enjoy the company of friends again, I also realise that it’s as much my job to maintain my relationships with my friends and that I should make more efforts to see and speak to them.

· I feel useless and inadequate and that my life in general is pointless. I now feel that my life has a purpose again, I have Obi, who relies on me for care and attention and it’s a nice feeling when I get home and he’s running around after me “chatting” away.

· I do not see an end to the way I am feeling and that nothing will make things better. Another of the major changes, I now feel that with the help of the medication, the counselling, having Obi and the addition of Trudes (phwoar) in my life, I can now see a way out of the deep void I was in, so it is at this point that I say thank you to Trudes, firstly for letting me re-home the best cat ever, and for entering my life as a good friend, and now being someone that I can share my life with and care about, in fact care doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about you, I’m not even sure love is, it seems to be much more than that. For the first time in my life I truly believe I have found a soul mate, someone who understands me on an emotional level. At the moment we have only been together for just over a week, but I have never been so comfortable and at ease with my life.

· I have considered taking my own life on at least 2 occasions. The thought of ending my life was an easy way out, mainly because I felt worthless. I now realise that too many people would be hurt if I did take my own life and I couldn’t bear to see that. Especially now that my life has purpose again. So I fully intend to stick around for as long as I possibly can. I once told my counsellor that although I’m not afraid of death, I wouldn’t welcome it. Now I think I’d put up a serious fight, and lay the smackdown on the grim reapers candy ass.

So dear reader, you are almost up to speed on how things have been for the past few months. I have gone from feeling useless and unwanted, to needed and loved, and that’s what truly matters. I don’t know how long I have in this life, but I plan to make the best of every single second, and having someone to share my time with puts a whole new perspective on the future. So here’s to the future and welcome to the interesting journey that is my life. I hope you enjoy reading about it, as much as I intend to enjoy living it.

As a close on my first blog entry, I leave you with this thought, we don’t stop playing because we grow up, we grow up because we stop playing.

TTFN

1 comments:

Uji, Angel Izzy, Ziggy, Missi, Hiro and Momma Tea said...

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that it will go away at the same time