auto destruct sequence initiated

Was at the shop today, work has seriously begun on next year’s tournament, I really hope we get enough interest to make it annual. I really need to find a way of getting involve with the guys more, it’s supposed to be my group. At the moment I tend to sit chatting with Sue whilst Mikey and Sean do all the work, although I must say that both of them are up to the task of organizing games and getting everyone settled. I am also impressed with how young Josh has progressed, when he first started coming along he could be rude and more than a bit mouthy. But now he’s polite, helpful and he seems to really enjoy being part of the group.

Warhammer 40k has so much to offer the guys, aside from the social thing it gives them a chance to share a common interest in their hobby, and it’s great see how the lads have got involved in the activities. I am really proud of all of them. The other thing that I have to appreciate about Saturdays is my current romantic situation. Meeting Trudes has been really good for me and I can certainly see a positive future with her. It’s almost as though she has pulled me off the self destructive path I was on. It’s also nice that Sue has enough trust in me to let me have stuff on tick and leave the shop in my hands, which is nice cos instead of paying me cash, she either knocks it off what I owe her, or it goes aside for anything I need for my armies.

Well tomorrow is Sunday and at present I have no idea what we’re up to, I know that I need to go home and spend a couple of hours with Obi, I’m sure that poor chap thinks I’ve abandoned him. I also need to get the house sorted as it’s a mess at the moment, and I need to speak to Matt about doing the kitchen up. It sounds like it’s gonna be all hands on for that. Trudes has said that she’s happy to lend a hand and I can ensure that tea & coffee are flowing freely.

Back on the Warhammer 40k front I also need to make a start on the Tau force, there are some fantastic models in the range and I’m really looking forward to fielding them, especially the rail guns with solid shot. Two words: KA BOOM.

So until tomorrow

Ta ta

Better to die on our feet than live on our knees!

So this is my fourth entry, woo hoo! Had the day off work today and I have Monday off too. I have to be in Ashford for 11:30 on Monday morning to meet up with two friends to go and see another one. So what did I do with my day today? Well I had a lay in, which was nice, it would have been nicer if my bird had been able to lie in with me but the mischievous little scamp that is Doogie needed some attention. Namely outdoor dog type stuff, then I had to go home and feed boss kitteh. Then I jumped on a bus to pop in on Sue at the shop for a while before going to astronomy club for the evening. Astronomy club was good; I took my binoculars along this evening and managed to see the Andromeda galaxy very clearly, as well as Jupiter and the moon. I am very impressed with my larger binoculars, the field of view is wide, although the zoom function does narrow it when taken up to maximum, and the image quality is superb. The only real problem with them is that they are heavy and as a result they can be quite shaky. Tonight’s talk was good, it was about astro imaging, it’s given me some ideas but I need to do some homework first. It was also lovely to see Sue, Glen and Andy at the club; it’s been about 5 years since I last saw Sue and she hasn’t changed a bit. Dave bought me home, as he always does, bless him. However, tonight was different as I asked him to stop at home briefly so that I could feed Obi and gather up the stuff for Warhammer on Saturday, then he bought me up to Trudes. So that I can spend the night with my honey in my arms. So tomorrow it’s 40K then possibly along to the in-laws for tea, before heading back home and feeding the Jedi master mog on the way. So all in all a good day, with no rant, how cool is that?

So there ya go, a bit of a short entry, but it’s better than nothing.

Ta ta

Until next time

Keep smiling, it makes people nervous!

Ranty rant rant!

 

I read the news today, oh boy! There’s a song in there somewhere! Two items caught my attention and annoyed me. The first is the taxing of broadband, apparently there are plans to make the tax law before the next election, they’re gonna put a tax of 50p a month for every fixed line telephone. Whilst I realise that 50pisn’t a great deal, it’ll just about get you a mars bar these days, when you consider that we pay BT or other land line provider every month/quarter and the fee includes VAT then pay the broadband provider every month, also including VAT they now want to tax us again. So what’s next? Tax us for using shopping trolleys? Or perhaps an entry fee to the supermarket? For those people who get there phone line and broadband from the same provider it means they’re going to be taxed for virtually the same product 3 times. Does that seem right to you? So go in to Sainsbury’s and pay to use the trolley, pay for your shopping but you also have to pay to take it out of the shop. Minister for Digital Britain says that everyone with a fixed line will have to pay the tax. From what I understand, a tax is a compulsory payment that failing to pay can result in a prison sentence, for 50p? So if the entire country say “bugger off I ain’t paying”, are we all going to end up serving time? I know that it totals £6 a year but to me it’s the principle of the thing.

The second piece of news that annoyed me is the possibility of paying for BBC I-player; do the words “license fee” not apply here? The BBC is funded by the license payer; therefore we’re already paying for I-player. Apparently it’s been recommended that a charge of up to £2 per show be applied, so once again we’re possibly going to be asked to pay for something twice. Perhaps we should charge the BBC for taking the money from us.

On a lighter note, I'm off to astronomy club tomorrow night and there’s a possibility that an old friend called Sue may be there. I haven’t seen sue for about 5 years so it’s going to be nice to see her and catch up on how she’s taken to life in the US. The possibility of seeing sue again has started me thinking of old friends that i have lost contact with. There are a few that i would love to meet up with again, in particular the old Tunnel Rats. The thought of us scrambling around in the building and tunnels around Dover always brings a smile to my face, ok so some of the holes we used to crawl through may have shrunk and i may not be as bendy as i was, but I'm sure that I'd find a way in. I think i may have to take Trudes and Ben to my old play ground, maybe not to crawl through the holes but it’s a nice place to go for a picnic and a gentle wander, i also think DWTP would enjoy a chance to run around like a thing possessed.

Work was good again today, it’s nice to be able to smile and have a laugh again with the guys.

So tomorrows plan is to spend the day with Trudes and doogs then drop in to see Sue for a while then jump on the bus up to Ashford for astronomy club. Saturday is shop day, i really need to start the guys on mission based games such as objectives and capture and hold, still all in good time.

So i shall close today's rant and wish you well, if i get chance I'll put a post up tomorrow when i get home. hopefully it wont be a rant! :-D

TTFN

Who in the blue hell are you?

After all these years it still surprises me that the human race hasn’t learned to see beyond the packaging. I make it no secret that I’m on the portly side, sometime it gets me down but most times it doesn’t bother me. Oddly enough it does seem to bother other people. For example I was sat in a well known burger outlet a while back happily noshing away on a burger and fries when some chavs decided that they’d have a pop at the fat bloke stuffing his face, what they didn’t seem to realise is that they were eating exactly the same thing. So why is it ok for a couple of stick thin chavs to scoff down the same food as me but I get the abuse? Secondly, when someone drives past a person like me and hurls abuse at me for being different, why do they get the arse when I respond in kind and tell them what complete cocks they’re being? Anyway the main point of today's rant is people who judge other people. Who the hell do some people think they are? Several times recently people have based what they think of me on nothing more than a photograph. How in the ‘verse can you form an opinion of someone based on something that is just a brief moment caught in time. A wise man once said, “live with a man for forty years , share his house, his meals, speak on every subject, then tie him up and hold him over the volcano's edge and on that day you will finally meet the man.” Some other bloke said “judge not, lest ye be judged yourself” So I say this to people who see a large person but refuse to see the person inside, “get humped! Go get your own affairs in order before you down on others, especially people you have never met and probably never will.

Now I've always considered myself to be a fair man, I’m easy going, laid back and relatively chilled. I tend to not get angry, and very rarely do I take an instant dislike to someone. But every now and then I pick up a negative vibe from someone. Usually I’m right and then after telling others that a person makes me uneasy I get told that I'm just being paranoid. Usually they’re right, but every once in a while I get a chance to say “I told you so” I like it when that happens, it’s quite fun to see the expression on folks faces when they realise that sometimes I’m not being paranoid.

On a brighter note work today has been good, if a little hectic. My job’s not really physically draining but it can take a toll on your emotions, who ever said never get attached obviously never did the job. It’s impossible.

I have one day left this week; I’m having a long weekend. I’m looking forward to Friday morning cos it’ll mean that we can have a lay in, well assuming DWTP lets us. Then off to see a friend on Monday. As for the rest of the weekend, who knows? I hope it’ll be worth writing about. I think the only thing I know I’m definitely doing is the usual day at the shop, something I never tire of. Oh yeah, and astronomy club on Friday night. Woo Hoo!

So there ends today’s rant, let’s hope that I have something good to put down tomorrow. Of course it’s not all bad, I’m off to spend quality time with the light of my life later and I couldn’t think of anywhere I'd rather be.

So until later

Ttfn

and so it begins!

A few of my friends have suggested that I start a blog; my counsellor told me that keeping some sort of journal could help me in deal with my depression. So this is killing 2 birds with one stone. Two months ago I went to see my doctor, I needed to speak to him about my blood pressure and I also felt that the time had come when I needed to get a grip on reality and face up to the way I was feeling. I think the catalyst for the negative perspective was splitting with my girlfriend in February; I spent the next 6 months moping around, feeling that I had no purpose in life. I also felt that my life was basically going to work, going home then getting up in morning and starting all over again. So I went to the doctor with this list?

This is how I feel:

· I am unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.

· I have no interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.

· I do not see the point in getting out of bed and 'facing the world'.

· I have little or no appetite, no interest in food and losing weight, although I do find myself comfort eating.

· I find myself getting irritable and annoyed with situations that never used to bother me.

· I have no self-confidence.

· I would rather be on my own than spend time with other people, I also do not feel as though I have any real friends.

· I feel useless and inadequate and that my life in general is pointless.

· I do not see an end to the way I am feeling and that nothing will make things better.

· I have considered taking my own life on at least 2 occasions

So, after a hard search for some testicular fortitude, off I trotted to see him with my list. His first action was to check my BP, this came in at 179/130, apparently this is very bad and most folk with BP this high usually end up dead. Well not wanting to do the whole being dead thing I took his advice and got him to write out a prescription for meds to combat the problem. The next stage was talking about being depressed. I spoke to him about the list, he asked me to complete a brief questionnaire about how I felt. The results being quite negative he suggested that as well as anti depressants I should see a counsellor. An appointment was made about 2 weeks later. Another set of question indicated that I was high risk and borderline bi-polar. I’ve now had four sessions and things are definitely on the up. I have one more session at the beginning of October; this is a review of how I’ve been doing over the past few weeks. Apart from the anti-depressants and the counselling, I think a major contributing “recovery” (for want of a better word) from depression has been the fact that I took in a friend’s cat as a permanent resident at home. Obi-Kat-Kenobi is a fantastic cat. He’s very affectionate and social. I really do believe that having him around has helped pick me back up.

Looking at the list, I now feel that it can be amended. So, dear reader here is the updated list. Well, I say updated, I mean revised.

This is how I feel:

· I am unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable. I’ve started finding my interest renewed, and slowly but surely I am regaining my enthusiasm for the activities I enjoyed doing.

· I have no interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life. Again, this has improved, it’s no longer a lack of interest, and it’s now a lack of time.

· I do not see the point in getting out of bed and 'facing the world'. My passion for my job has returned, and life in general, I now greet each day and welcome most challenges that life throws at me.

· I have little or no appetite, no interest in food and losing weight, although I do find myself comfort eating. This is pretty much the same; my real problem is that I really enjoy junk food. I know I should change my diet to improve my general health, which in turn will reduce the risk of heart attack and /or a stroke. I’ve also taken to walking a bit more, which is good because exercise is said to help with depression.

· I find myself getting irritable and annoyed with situations that never used to bother me. This is one of the most important changes, I am almost back to the laid back easy going chap I used to be.

· I have no self-confidence. This one is probably the hardest one to change, although I do feel a bit better about myself in general, but I’ve had a bit of help with that one.

· I would rather be on my own than spend time with other people, I also do not feel as though I have any real friends. I’ve started to enjoy the company of friends again, I also realise that it’s as much my job to maintain my relationships with my friends and that I should make more efforts to see and speak to them.

· I feel useless and inadequate and that my life in general is pointless. I now feel that my life has a purpose again, I have Obi, who relies on me for care and attention and it’s a nice feeling when I get home and he’s running around after me “chatting” away.

· I do not see an end to the way I am feeling and that nothing will make things better. Another of the major changes, I now feel that with the help of the medication, the counselling, having Obi and the addition of Trudes (phwoar) in my life, I can now see a way out of the deep void I was in, so it is at this point that I say thank you to Trudes, firstly for letting me re-home the best cat ever, and for entering my life as a good friend, and now being someone that I can share my life with and care about, in fact care doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel about you, I’m not even sure love is, it seems to be much more than that. For the first time in my life I truly believe I have found a soul mate, someone who understands me on an emotional level. At the moment we have only been together for just over a week, but I have never been so comfortable and at ease with my life.

· I have considered taking my own life on at least 2 occasions. The thought of ending my life was an easy way out, mainly because I felt worthless. I now realise that too many people would be hurt if I did take my own life and I couldn’t bear to see that. Especially now that my life has purpose again. So I fully intend to stick around for as long as I possibly can. I once told my counsellor that although I’m not afraid of death, I wouldn’t welcome it. Now I think I’d put up a serious fight, and lay the smackdown on the grim reapers candy ass.

So dear reader, you are almost up to speed on how things have been for the past few months. I have gone from feeling useless and unwanted, to needed and loved, and that’s what truly matters. I don’t know how long I have in this life, but I plan to make the best of every single second, and having someone to share my time with puts a whole new perspective on the future. So here’s to the future and welcome to the interesting journey that is my life. I hope you enjoy reading about it, as much as I intend to enjoy living it.

As a close on my first blog entry, I leave you with this thought, we don’t stop playing because we grow up, we grow up because we stop playing.

TTFN